[straightouttacompton]

st. baldricks this weekend!

my posts have been few & far between lately, but all is good. ryan and the rest of us are all doing great!!

this weekend the LAPD and LAFD will be hosting their annual st. baldrick's event. jason will be participating again, shaving his head in honor of ryan, for the 3rd year in a row. here is a link to the event information page and here are links to jason's st. baldrick's page and ryan's page. this event is lots of fun for the entire family. we hope to see some of you out there!

in addition to honoring ryan and another little boy named william, they will also be honoring LAPD officer spree desha, who's life was tragically cut short in september of 2008. spree shaved her head at the 2006 st. baldricks event and donated 18 inches of her hair to locks of love. this year, her partner and fellow LAPD officer, laura gerritsen, will be shaving her head in honor of spree. here is a photomontage video of spree having her head shaved in 2006:

as for ryan, he started a new 3-month cycle of interim maintenance. he had a spinal tap and i.v vincristine today, and did great. if you were not at the hospital this morning or if i did not tell you that he had the spinal tap this morning, you would never know it from just seeing him. he was happy and bouncing around the rest of the day. he's just a little grouchy from starting his new 5 day decadron pulse today. his anc count was quite high, at 2900 (or 3900?), but his n.p. debbie thinks its because he's getting another ear infection and has a bit of a cold and cough, and his immune system is fighting it. the cold is also causing a rash on his cheeks, 'cause he can't help but smear some of his snots as he tries to wipe them away when we're not able to catch them on time with a tissue. debbie thinks that the decadron will help him fight the infection and the rash. he will also be taking extra antibiotics the next 5 days, to try to get rid of the infection. oh yeah, he also has thrush in his mouth, and we're not sure why, but he'll also be back on nystantin to help get rid of it, especially since he'll be on antibiotics again. however, like i said, if you were to see him in person, you'd never know he has all these things going on. he's just a happy, energetic little 3 year old. we feel so blessed to have him so healthy again. the infection thing seems like just a typical toddler infection. small potatoes in the grand scheme of things.

the bigs are all doing well, and so is j. things are going really well at school. i can't tell you how great i feel to have my undergraduate work behind me & i'm really enjoying my classes this semester.

that's all for now. we hope we see some of you at the event this weekend!! special thanks to everyone that has donated to the st. baldrick's foundation in honor of ryan!! muah! muah! thanks for stopping by!

gearing up for the annual st. baldricks day event!!

check out this video from the st. baldrick's foundation. you can easily insert our faces into the video, because everything the parents say mirrors how we felt when ryan was diagnosed.

 

jason will be shaving his head once again at this incredibily fun & amazing event. you can check out his st. baldrick's website by clicking here. From jason's webpage, you can also access ryan's st. baldrick's page as well as the team ryan page and general information pertaining the event. thanks so much for stopping by.

now that the twin ten ton gorillas called calculus and chemistry are off my back, i can focus on more pleasant things like updating our blog!

ryan is doing very well these days. we haven't had any real surprises since december, when his counts were out of whack and they thought he might have relapsed. life has been progressing along much more calmly since then. he has been going to preschool more often, except for the weeks when he's on decadron-- we keep him home that whole week. he has made amazing progress at school-- we are still able to leave him there alone, without a parent, for a few hours; however, we stay somewhat close by and listen for our cell phone to ring, in case there is a call from the school asking us to come back because he's having a meltdown. so far so good, though. he did cry quite a bit last week during nap time, because he did not want to sleep, but miss karen did not call jason, instead, she sat it out with ryan, trying to get him used to napping or at least quietly resting on his cot with a reading book.

ryan also had his second evaluation last week, this time by the local regional center. we do not have any results yet, except that the evaluator said that she doesn't think he is autistic. that has become more and more glaringly apparent in recent weeks. his personality has bloomed even more and he is catching up with his speech and social skills. he even agreed to sit on the potty in exchange for treats, so we are even making some progress with potty training. in the past, he would defiantly say "no!" if we just mentioned the word "potty." so things are going well. he spends his days running around like a maniac, screaming, shouting, smiling and playing, like all 3 1/2 year olds should.

the only noticable difference is that he's lost some of his hair again. we thought that since he was no longer receiving aggresive chemo that his hair was back forever, but apparently,  some kids can still experience hair loss or hair thinning during maintenance therapy. the hair loss seems to have subsided, so it looks like in ryan's case, he just had some serious thinning. jason took him to get his hair trimmed at the beauty salon at coh last week, when he had an appt. he was starting to look like phil spector again, lol. the salon at coh is awesome-- they give  free haircuts to patients, to help them feel better emotionally. coh is just awesome, period. they really go out of their way to treat patients not only physically, but also on a spiritual and emotional level.

anyhow, ryan is doing great and we are enjoying this time with him, watching him feel so happy go lucky and yes, wild.

stay tuned for some upcoming posts regarding the leukemia society's team in training and st baldricks day!!

i don't want to gloat, but...

in case you haven't heard---

I FINALLY KICKED CALCULUS' ASS TODAY!!!

it's official-- i'm a legitimate grad student now! (sort of, just need to push all the paperwork through now, but relatively speaking, that should be a piece of cake compared to what it's taken to get to this point in time.)

HOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAYYYY!

p.s. ryan is doing well. more to come later. must... decompress...

happy inauguration day!

 

 

   

i have a dream

be sure to read "letter from birmingham jail" if  you haven't had a chance. he was such a brilliant and powerful writer and speaker. (if you can't open pdf files, click this link for an html copy of the text)

"go the distance"

this is an inspiring trailer for a documentary about a team of cyclists (team will) that rode across the country last year to raise funds to combat childhood cancers. one of our e-buddies, eli is mentioned in this video:

eli's mom, maria, has also been active with raising awareness and funds through team in training, all while eli is still in maintenance therapy. she especially amazes and inspires me because she is able to participate in such an important cause, despite the fact that their family is still dealing with all the issues that come hand in hand with having a child who is still on chemotherapy. one day, i will definitely join team in training, because time and time again thanks to our friends, i have seen what an amazing program it is. so is curesearch, the organization that is mentioned at the start of the video, and appears on the jerseys of the cyclists.

by the way, ry returned to preschool today after a month and a half hiatus (cause of his prolonged infections and low counts). he had a great day! he lined up with the "blue group" all on his own, and continued playing with his new friend, isabella. he is becoming more socially connected and involved. he also didn't cling to daddy as much as he has in the past. this is exciting! lining up may sound trivial, but it is a huge step for ryan. this is the first time he has ever done that. it shows signs of cooperation and that perhaps he is more ready to actively participate at school and in social settings. yaaay for ryan!!!!!! you are awesome!

watch out phil spector...

there's a new maniac in town with crazy hair: 

 

(who's phil spector, you ask? click here.)

our son desperately needs a haircut. we have been postponing it for a couple of weeks, with everything that's been going on, but today, it was especially apparent after ryan came inside from playing and took his beanie off. his hair was a bit static-y and uh, disheveled. :) that's him eating a "beeto" (burrito). and now he's back outside, playing with the bigs and some of the neighbors. before his beeto break, he had manuel pulling him around in his weebo car:

 

here's jasmine and teresa:

 

 

that's it for now... :)

great news!

ryan's appt at coh went really well on monday. we arrived at 7:30 am and they drew blood to run his labs before the procedure. it took around an hour and a half for the labs to come back because they wanted to look at the "differentials," which are the values which indicate if there are any blasts in his blood. at around 9 am, debbie escorted us into a treatment room and happily announced that ryan no longer had any blasts in his blood!!! the 2% and 3% from prior weeks were indeed recovery blasts and there was no longer any sign of them. after a big collective sigh of relief, she left to talk to the chair of the pediatrics department and when she came back, she said that ryan's  bone marrow biopsy was cancelled because the blasts were gone and he no longer needed it! HOOOOOORAYY!!!! we were immeasurably relieved to hear that ryan is okay and that he hadn't relapsed.

debbie instructed us to begin ryan's oral chemotherapy again, all at half dose, with the exception of decadron, which is to be given at full dose. so we are starting back up on the meds again following a four week hiatus from all oral chemo and bactrim.

following our appointment with debbie, we met with ryan's neuropsychologist, dr. turk, to discuss his baseline developmental evaluation. he does have some significant delays, but that is not a surprise considering everything he has been through the past year and a half. there are delays with his language and cognitive reasoning, but she was able to accurately assess his cognitive skills because he selectively shuts down and refuses to participate in the testing. he can be extremely shy and when we are in public or in unfamiliar settings, sometimes, he just shuts down and refuses to participate socially. he does that at school quite often, and he also does that when we are around large crowds. dr. turk said that ryan has difficulty transitioning to new situations, whether its a new place, a new person, or even just a new cereal, for example. she is not entirely sure why, but has referred him to the "regional center" for further evaluation. she has also recommended speech and language evaluations by the school district & early intervention services, but wants him to remain at his current preschool because it seems like a wonderful and nurturing environment for him. she also has recommended play therapy to help him better identify and express his emotions. she will provide the play therapy sessions for him at coh.

while she strongly feels that ryan is very connected to the world, in the sense that he is extremely attached to his parents and is easily embarrassed in public, she is concerned about his inability to socialize and communicate in an age-appropriate manner and would like for the regional center to further evaluate this area especially, in addition to his cognitive skills. she did mention that she'd like for regional center to "rule out" "pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS)," which is not autism, per say, but it is part of the "autistic spectrum." kids with PDD-NOS have "marked impairment of social interaction, communication and/or stereotyped behavior patterns or interest, but full features of autism are not met." we are not in denial about this and are obviously concerned for ryan and will be following up on all her recommendations, but we aren't fully convinced about the PDD-NOS, and neither is dr. turk. jason and i believe that his behavior and delays are due to all the trauma he's experienced and the fact that he hasn't been able to fully express his feelings and fears, compounded by the fact that he's been socially isolated for such a long period of time. of course, we don't know if any of the chemotherapy meds have impacted his cognitive development, but time will tell, in addition to the further evaluations.

so that is that. jason and i are just extremely grateful that ryan continues to be in remission and that he is well. we can deal with any developmental issues and we will help him get early intervention services.

that's the update for today. i will try to post xmas pics and pics from our xmas train ride later on today or this week. we hope you all had a nice holiday! thanks for stopping by.

back on the rollercoaster

ryan had an appointment at coh today. he was scheduled for "the works-" by that i mean that  he was to have the maximum slew of meds to kick off the start of a new cycle of long term maintenance. this happens every three months. this morning, he had a spinal tap and i.v. vincristine. he was also referred for and had an ultrasound of his testicles. i know it's not your everyday conversation, but the reason for the ultrasound was to make sure that there weren't any leukemia cells hiding down there. during a routine  check up, his nurse practioner, debbie, felt that he needed an ultrasound since she wasn't 100% confident about the physical examination. with leukemia, the testicles are a common relapse site. i didn't think much about it, other than "better safe then sorry." well, the good news is that his utlrasound was clear. he is fine down there.

i didn't realize what may have planted the seeds of suspicion until later, towards the end of our visit. i had a conversation with debbie before we left, and she explained that ryan had "2% blasts" or immature cells present during his last visit, and today, he had 3% blasts present. i'm not sure if the blasts were detected in his blood stream or via the spinal tap that he had today (i was thrown too off guard to think about asking for clarification, but i will do so at our next appointment). blasts are immature white blood cells and their presence could be due to either relapse or because his body is readjusting after fightig a serious infection, which in his case, he has been recovering from lengthy infections and his anc just a couple of weeks ago was very low, at 100. debbie & dr mueller both think that the blasts are "recovery blasts" (as in recovering from the series of infections), so much actually that dr mueller didn't mention them last time because she was quite convinced that was what they are, but today, when the blasts still showed up and there was 1% more, it raised a red flag. he is scheduled to have a bone marrow biopsy next monday, to rule out a relapse. its kinda scary, but there are lots of signs that they are recovery blasts and not relapse blasts. he is doing really well, for one, with no complaints, no fever, no pain and tons of energy. not exactly the types of signs you see when someone has relapsed. additionally, i have heard from both debbie and some online pediatric cancer bulletin boards that i frequent, that recovery blasts and scares like this are not at all uncommon during treatment. i guess its just our turn to worry.

so this week will not be as relaxing and happy as i had envisioned, but by the same token, i am doing my best not to obsess about it, because after all, we can't do anything and won't know anything until after his biopsy next monday. and things can always be worse. we will do our best to focus on all the positive and will enjoy spending the holidays with the kids (although i can't help but think that this was supposed to be a "calculus christmas," not a leukemia christmas!). 

ryan was supposed to start back on his oral chemo meds at half dose until his next visit in january, but that has now been halted since the meds can mask a relapse. no oral meds and we are back at coh next monday at 7:30 am.  i will keep you all posted and will try to still get around to posting the pictures from our holiday train ride sometime this week.

san francisco

j, ryan and i had the opportunity to get away for a few days last week. it was great, despite the fact that we went up there so i could attend a two day workshop (on "minerals, inclusions and volcanic processes") and didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with them during those two days. we drove up on friday and came back the following monday. it was really nice. we haven't been able to get away like that by ourselves for a loooong time. probably since before ry was diagnosed. the bigs stayed behind with auntie rocky, who took them to the camp ronald mcdonald annual christmas party. don't feel sorry for them- they had a blast and they also recently took their own trip to sf with auntie rocky and uncle bob (ask manuel about his motorcycle ride, next time you have a chance).

anyhow, my workshop was a good introduction to some of the topics that i'll be covering with my masters thesis. it also helped quite a bit that i recently completed chemistry and learned about kinetics and solubity and stuff like that.

on saturday, we visited our very cute cousins emilio and paloma, who live in the bay area. we visited them and their dad (my cousin) joaquin, and their grandma (my tia rocelia), and just had a fantastic time catching over a delicious dinner of stuffed pizza and wine (cider for the kids!). then j, ry and i snuck out with joaquin for a peek at their beautiful new house that he recently bought. they will be surprising the kids by placing a large bow on the door and driving them over to see the house the day after christmas. what an awesome christmas gift!! jason and i are very, very happy for them and grateful that we were able to spend some time with them.

sunday night, following the end of the workshop, j, ry and i visited   the schnitzelhaus, a really cool german restaurant that i've been gloating about to jason ever since i first visited it last year when i was in frisco for the agu (american geophysical union) conference. they serve one and two liter glass boots filled with yummy german beer and have really tasty food, too. jason was not disappointed, although he wasn't able to finish his two liter boot (he made the mistake of ordering dark beer instead of light). we can't wait to go back every chance we visit sf. (roulthie, when are you going to visit us? we'll have to go to sf and when we visit you, you better have some glass boots full of beer ready for us, lol...)

       

we stayed at this really cool hotel, called the intercontinental, which is located right next to mosconi center, on howard. we were very pleased with our stay and our city view,

 

in addition to the excellent complimentary breakfasts that were part of the package we booked. ryan absolutely loved our floor to ceiling windows and the view they provided of all the fascinating cars, trucks, buses, "weeboos" (police & fire trucks), and ships in the bay. when we stayed in our room, he would play for hours next to the window with his toy cars and planes.

    

he also enjoyed watching "tom & jerry," one of my favorite cartoons from when i was little. he'd just stand in front of the tv and giggle and giggle.

while i was at the conference, j & ry rode the trolley to fisherman's wharf

 

and took a boat cruise around the bay on saturday,

 

 

and on sunday, they took bart to berkeley. 

before we left on monday, we had lunch with our friend (my undergrad advisor) pedro ramirez and steve ladochy, another prof from my alma mater. we had a yummy, fun lunch, catching up at fisherman's wharf. theres nothing like sf clam chowder in a bowl, washed down with a good beer & hanging out with friends.

as you can see, things are getting a lot better. i wrapped up my chem class a few weeks ago, and finished finals at csun when we returned from sf. i have just one more exam to go (calculus), which i'll be taking in early january. ry and i have been doing a LOT better. we have been well (knock on wood) for almost two weeks now. ry has been off of all his chemotherapy meds for almost three weeks, in an attempt to stabilize his immune system and to give him time to fully recover from his fevers and ear infections. he is doing great and was running around our family room and the entire house like a complete maniac today. he cracks me up so much. we return to coh on monday to start a new cycle of maintenance therapy. that means he's scheduled for a spinal tap and iv vincristine, to be followed with the other usual meds- decadron, leucovorin, mercaptopurine and his weekend antibiotics. it will be interesting to see how a monday appointment is going to change his meds schedule. he usually has procedures on thursday, so i suspect that everything will be shifted up a few days. ry has also been away from school for several weeks, because of his fevers, and more recently because of his low counts. he had really low counts the last two times we were at coh. we suspect they'll be way up by the time we get there on monday, and hopefully he'll be back at school soon.

anyhoo, we'll finally get our tree set up and ready for xmas these next few days, now that all the bigs are off from school. today, we caught up on our sleep, cleaned up the house a bit and i made some fresh homemade beans and rice. they were a hit. :) i'll be posting pics from our holiday train ride soon. until next time... xo...

it's beginning to look a lot like...

 

christmas.... :)    lots more pics to come from our holiday train ride, as soon as i finish wading through all my lab exercises that are due today.

my secret weapon for academic success...

is my tutor:

   

my lovely, mostly loyal cat, "smokey" (i named him after smokey quartz)...here he is checking my calculations to make sure i'm on the right track:

 

i have finals coming up, not only for my math methods class, but also for my comprehensive exams in chemistry and calc. i've been mostly studying up a storm.

j, ry and i are feeling much better after being sick the past couple of weeks. teresa also joined the fray, but didn't seem to be as strongly affected by it as we were. this past week, j took ryan back to the emergency treatment center (e.t.c.) at coh on tuesday night because he had been running a fever on and off for a few days and it was climbing as high as 102-point-something. they gave him the usual i.v. fluids and antibiotics, and the doctor on-call decided to switch his oral antibiotics since they hadn't made much progress in eliminating his ear infections. she also prescribed ear drops, which remarkably, haven't been as difficult to administer as i thought they would be. my doctor had also prescribed ear drops for me for the first time ever this past week, and i found them a bit uncomfortable. luckily, ryan only needs one drop in each ear. at the e.t.c., they also gave him tylenol for his fever and let j bring him home just after midnight, when his fever dropped. j had to take him back to coh the next day (wednesday) because his fever climbed back up in the morning. dr. mueller gave him more i.v. fluids and antibiotics. she also decided to stop all his oral chemotherapy until next week. no nightly mercaptopurine, no methotrexate on thursday, no sulfa this weekend. its nice having a little break. we have to take him back next week to check his labs and see if he's ready to resume chemotherapy again. on tuesday night his anc was 500. that's pretty low, considering how high its been. his hemoglobin was a little low, too. i am hoping that he doesn't need another blood transfusion next week. he hasn't needed one in a long time. j doesn't think he will... he thinks his lab results will jump back up by next week since they halted his meds. i hope so. since wednesday evening, he has been feeling much better. the fever has not returned, although he is still coughing and needs his nose wiped periodically. he's still a little tired and hasn't been to school since before thanksgiving, but at least the fevers are gone and he has been eating well and is also back to playing with his trains. he is so remarkably resilient, my little "moo-moo." (i've been calling "moo-moo" lately, instead of "my little weasel," for no reason in particular)

my mom came over on wednesday to spend the night so she could watch ryan for me on thursday. she made some us a large pot of yummy homemade chicken soup. just what we needed. 

i'm feeling better. the pressure & fluid in my ears seems to have tapered off quite a bit. my chem exam is scheduled for next tuesday at 11 am. i'm looking forward to finally finishing it. i'm inches from graduation. it has been challenging, more so than i thought. not so much academically, but this whole experience with ryan's illness. in retrospect, perhaps i should have completely taken some time off from school to better deal with things and to have avoided some meltdown's that i didn't anticipate. his illness has made me feel a lot more sensitive to my emotions than i would under "normal circumstances" and sometimes its been impossible to not wear my heart on my sleeve, or even on my forehead, for that matter. the pressure has been immense at times, and i have felt at a loss to sometimes explain why i haven't been able to keep up with things even though it might seem like ryan is "all better." its because he's not "all better," althought some might envision he should be by now, over a year and half following his diagnosis, but he's not "there" yet. he's a LOT better, in respect to his illness, treatment, and recovery, but there have been a great deal of complications (albeit somewhat relatively "minor" compared to stories i have heard about other pediatric cancer families) that i didn't anticipate (i couldn't think that far ahead). but, all in all, i am grateful to be where we are today compared to where we were last december. he is here, he is better, he is happy, he is vibrant, he is healthier. he is my little moo-moo love, and i think that every breath he takes is absolutely precious. every smile and every giggle. (i am not trying to plagiarize sting. it just might sound that way.)

well now, smokey has finished checking all of my equations and being the bossy cat and tutor that he is, he is bitching meowing about how i should be studying, not updating our blog. time to for me to get back to the drawing board. until next time...

thanksgiving

i'm going to cut to the chase and admit that i didn't take any pictures of my kids this thanksgiving. that's a first for me. i like taking group pictures every year for a comparison as to how they've grown and changed. ...this year we had a very relaxed and low maintenance thanksgiving. truth be told, i was so relaxed and into just focusing on my family and the multitude of things that we're grateful for, that my camera was the furthest thing from my mind. plus, i think i was feeling a little lazy and just went with it. i managed to take a pic of the table all set up and ready for us just  before we started serving dinner, and after that, we sat and ate and talked and talked and shared out loud all the things we were grateful for. it was very nice.

later that day, i drove nick back to his grandparents (he had work the next day and also wanted to spend some time with his dad & their side of the family), and drove teresa, jasmine & manuel to my sister's house so that they could spend some time with her as well.

thanksgiving was decadron day two this month for ryan, so we layed low most of the weekend. decadron limited most of our activities, plus, he was also fighting a virus that seems to have won the fight. he caught another cough/cold and passed some of the germs on to jason and i. yeah, we're sick again. but i'm not going to complain. i won't have another pity party. instead, i'm focusing on how grateful we are that its JUST a virus. nothing like last year. looking at the big picture, this virus is nothing, and overall, aside from the runny nose, cough & crankiness, ryan is  doing great.

so we spent most of the week/weekend at home. jason had a week off from work, so i was able to spend a lot of time studying while j took over most of the thanksgiving responsibilities this year. i have such an awesome husband- he did a fabulous job. they ran some errands together, like visiting coh for ry's regularly scheduled monthly visit, lotsa shopping, dropping off & picking up the bigs from school; and when they were home, ryan spent most of his time playing with his train set in the family room. our family room is a giant train station. there are tracks all over the place. i love watching him play and interact with his trains. "momma (or daddy, or mamo, or t-t or jah-jah), fix tracks, pay ("play") choo-choo," he says, while our "wall-e" and "milo & otis" dvds play over and over and over.

saturday we took a break from staying home, picked up the bigs and went to our cute cousin cameron's 4th birthday party at travel town. the theme was "cowboys" and obviously, "trains."

it was fun, despite the decadron haze. we stayed for as long as ryan could tolerate all the stimulation. that was long enough to play with the enormous wooden thomas the train set with cameron and our other cousins:

enough time to ride the little train that goes around the park:

 

      

         

and visit with our awesome cousins. i love all my cousins so much. they are from my maternal grandfather's side of the family.

today, we spent most of the day in bed, recovering from our cough/sore throat/cold/decadron tantrums & fatigue. our dear friends, suzon and rocky came by. i was not a very good host, but they knew and were gracious. they came by to visit the bigs mostly anyway. :) 

now, i'm studying again, in preparation for my long anticipated comprehensive chemistry final on tuesday. its gonna feel so goooooood to not have to worry about it anymore.

that was our thanksgiving weekend. hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend, too! xo

veteran's day, a new dining table and a new motto

  first, a great big belated thank you to friends and family and others who are currently making extraordinary sacrifices to proudly serve our country, as well as to those who have done so in the past.

...okay, so veteran's day was a couple of weeks ago, i know i am behind with posts. but i still wanted to acknowledge it and also share how we celebrated that day and gush about how happy i was to finally have nick over. recall that nick is staying with his grandparents in order to finish his senior year at his old high school, and he has been so busy keeping up with his studies at school and also working weekend afternoons & evenings. anyhow, he hadn't been over to our new house, even though we've been here for about a month and a half! so he spent the night with us that monday since the next day was a holiday and on tuesday we celebrated veteran's day by packing lunch and taking all the kids to vazquez rocks in the afternoon. what fun! for years, we have driven past that magical place, off the 14 fwy, where all the rock layers jut out into the sky at more or less the same angle, but we have never stopped to enjoy it up close. finally, we did. it was nice to enjoy nature again. we climbed on the rocks with the kids. i took a million pictures and played with my camera's manual settings. i even had a chance to lay down on the rocks and look up at the sky and just take in my surroundings as well as the view. it reminded me of years ago, when the bigs were all small and we used to take them camping at joshua tree all the time. just soaking in the sunshine, the fresh air, climbing the rocks, the view and enjoying our time together. it was nice. here are some pics:

all four bigs, reunited and climbing on the rocks (view is looking west, thus a different orientation for the rocks):

a hardy little climber:

jason showing ryan what could happen if he doesn't stay close to mommy and daddy:

 

more (click on any to enlarge in a new window):

    

    

   

      

 

   

    

goodbye beautiful place! we'll visit you again!

  

 

you get the picture, literally- i took tons of pictures as i am prone to.

on the way home, we took advantage of the extra help (nick & manuel's muscles) and finally made it back to cost plus, to buy our long anticipated dining table set. i have had my eyes on it for at least four years. we finally bought it-- a set that will fit us all plus some, and that looks like it will withstand the test of time and kids. we lucked out and happened upon a 25% total discount, after they had already applied the sale prices-- we probably saved nearly 50%! i am sooooo happpy with this purchase. i smile every time i see it and every time we sit and eat dinner together. can't wait to have more time to fix some dinners to share with family and friends. we had such a lovely day, even though ryan and i were nursing recurrent ear infections. yes, again.

which brings me to our next subject...for the most part, ryan is doing well, but these past few months have had their own special challenges. i've mentioned before that ryan and i keep getting ear infections. well, they came back over the course of this past week and a half. initially, we thought ryan was just not feeling well and was running a low grade fever because he had to have a flu shot (per his oncologist). he's never had one before. little by little it became apparent that he might have another ear infection and it became glaringly apparent to me that both of my ears were infected again. so we went to coh and the urgent care the day before vet's day. ryan was cleared of having an ear infection, and mine was confirmed. a few days later, ryan was still complaining about his ears and started to run a low grade fever again, off & on. thursday (the day of the so cal shakeout), we had to take him back to coh-- yes, he had an ear infection, and they gave him iv antibiotics and fluids. jason had to return with him to coh on friday for more of the same. meanwhile, i was taking my meds but not getting better. ry was discharged, and it was business as usual for him after friday's outpatient visit. monday, i returned to the urgent care with throbbing, fluid filled ears and back pain. my ears were still infected, and apparently the antibiotics were "like candy for me," plus i had a kidney infection. now i'm on very strong antibiotics, allegra, steroids (for the inflammation in my ears), and benadryl (for congestion) at night, in addition to two nasal inhalers. apparently, my allergies are out of control and keep causing the recurrent ear infections. ry  was initially better for  few days and had a couple of good days at school this week.. then yesterday... his fever came back! so j took him to coh, and now his other ear is infected. they returned home at around 3 am, and i was still up waiting for them, doing homework & typing away, and continued to stay up so that i could give him his nightly chemo (fyi: i drank too much coffee at denny's last night, where i was studying before j decided to take ry to coh). when they arrived home from coh, ryan woke up and he was complaining a lot that he was hungry, so we fed him before putting him to bed (cancer moms & dads will understand, no doubt). that meant we had to wait two more hours to give him his meds, since he can't take them within two hours of eating.   ....if you are still reading, what can i say, i am surprised. i just needed to vent a little because on top of all this ear infection madness, i've been studying with my nose to the grindstone, every minute i can, preparing for exams that are a couple of weeks away, taking care of the bigs and trying to keep the house "decent" or "livable" until my exams are over. of course, with lots of help from j. i couldn't do it without him. we are such a good team.

well, with all of that said, sometimes i feel like i'm going out of my mind. last year was really stressful and depressing, with ryan's diagnosis and treatment, and this year seems like it should be less stressful and perhaps not as depressing? ryan is so much better. we have seen much, much worse days. but this year has been perhaps more stressful & depressing for me at least, in the sense that last year we were in shock most of the time, operating on autopilot, this year not so much on autopilot, and i guess since i'm not  on autopilot, i have more time to fret about all the crap that we've had to go through and continue to go through, with ry's on-going treatment, selling and buying the houses, moving twice, trying to catch up with old  school assignments & keeping up with new ones, just trying to reintegrate into having a more normal semblance of life, and helping ryan to adjust to normal things that three year olds are supposed to be doing (holy run on sentence!). like going to preschool. alone, without mom and dad. and not being so afraid of strangers. yeah, this was becoming increasingly more challenging for me. why am i posting this online? really, not just to vent- i can do that in private and offline, but i'm doing it to continue recording our journey as we nurse ryan back to health, and also just in case there are other leukemia or pediatric cancer families out there who wander upon our blog. i want them to know that they are not alone with their craziness and frustrations. just like i learn when i wander upon their blogs. things do get better. a lot better. but sometimes its still really hard. and also difficult to explain to people who have not gone through this. these days, i am coping with things muuuuch better. i took matters into my own hands and started to actively deal with the fact that i had become depressed and overloaded with anxiety. i wasn't able to focus, no matter how hard i tried because i felt like there was always so much to do and think about. i was feeling so overwhelmed with trying to catch up with everything in addition to continuing to put one foot forward, in front of the other. i feel so much better now, and i'm able to focus and get things done. and the best part is that i'm kicking chemistry and math's ass, and understanding it and enjoying it more than i have in the past. things do get better for many pediatric cancer families, but things are not always as they might appear to outsiders. even when your kid is doing much better. but things do have a way of working out. that i know. this leads me to my last subject: my new motto.

i was surfing on the web two nights ago, relaxing my brain after studying all day by looking at blogs i like and pretty, inspirational things on websites like etsy, flickr and cookiemag. i found this neat poster that i'm going to buy and frame for my office:

that my friends, is my new motto. thanks for stopping by. and if you're stiiiiiill reading, wow! i'm impressed, and perhaps a little embarrassed. lol. but definitely grateful for so much, and for everyone who has helped us navigate through this difficult stage in our life. xoxo. and great big hugs and love to our friends who are also on this journey, some on more harrowing parts of the road than we are walking on right now.